Hannah's Song

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Infertility--One word with lots of meaning

Infertility is loss. It is loss at the core.

Loss of DREAMS

Loss of FAMILY

Loss of VISION

Loss of how I always thought it would be...

This has been such a hard season for me lately. I would say the last 6 months have been the hardest out of the 26 months of infertility round 2. It doesn't help that it became obvious to me that we weren't pregnant on the week of every holiday (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day and now Easter). And, I should be right on course for Mother's Day.

This is such a downer post. I am sorry about that. I want to be real and this IS real...this is real down in the dumps could barely pull myself up this week post.

Tomorrow is a new day and a new dream as we start the calendar over....again.

The months are few though. The end is near.

Very near

Sunday, November 3, 2013

It Didn't Happen

Thanks for stopping by a week ago. Here I am again!

This is Faith's room today. Notice anything?

Yep, still the nursery. Honestly, two weeks ago I was WAY too emotional to move her out of the crib. I really didn't want to be crying through the whole transition, so I told Hubby that we needed to wait.

Next weekend is the goal.

Did I mention Faith turns 3 1/2 tomorrow? Oh, I didn't. Well, she does! #hardtobelieve

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Blowing Off the Dust

Tap...tap...tap...anyone? Anyone there?

It took me a few minutes to even figure out how to find blogger...that is how long it has been since I last blogged. And, even longer since I last blogged here on Hannah's Song.

It is 1 AM and I suddenly got this urge from the Lord to sit down and write. I haven't been 'good' at writing for 3 years. Something was lost in me after my mom died. But, in the wee hours of today, I am giving it a try.

This month has been hard. We are moving Faith out of the crib (yes at 3.5 years old-why ruin a great thing by moving her earlier!?!). The crib is going to be packed away...maybe forever and it has pained me more than expected.

We are so blessed by our miracle preemie took 14 months of trying precious daughter. Her first year of life was HARD. She wasn't an easy birth born at 30 weeks and she wasn't an easy baby. I wasn't ready to think of having another child at all until she was 2 and then hubby and I prayed and talked to 3 doctors. They all gave me a good report. "Yes, we believe you could have a closer to term pregnancy for your next child."

I thought it would be easier. I thought we would be one of those try forever for your first and then bam prego first month for your second. That is not my story.

Here we are again....facing infertility...this time 20 months. 20 months of mourning a loss a hope a dream.

Some days I feel content. Faith is a super awesome kiddo and loves her- only child I don't have to share anything I get mom and dads full attention all the time- place in the family.

Other days I feel a loss. Like 3 is an odd number. Like the fireplace mantel may fall over because it is not balanced. Like the feeling I have when I tell Faith she really doesn't have a brother named Sasa (her name for her "brother" #strangegofigureihavenoidea. I feel lonely as the only friend with an only child. I know there are other much bigger issues of the world and this is not the end of the world...but it is my world.

I am dusting off this blog at least for tonight. The Lord has a purpose in this wait and the answer may not be 4.

Maybe I will be back to write more. No guarantees, but maybe probably I will. Time will tell...the Lord knows.

Amen